Gaa Humour

You know you are a Junior Footballer when...

1. You spend all winter on the beer speculating on who will be brought in to manage the team next year.
2. The hardest tackle you will make all year is in an indoor soccer match in January.
3. When you break your brother-in-law's leg.
4. There are 35 at training under lights on a bitter February night (unfit but enthusiastic) - the average for August is 7 (the rest are either unfit, sick of training, repeating exams, in the US or making silage)
5. When you go for a pick-up, you fumble the ball at least twice before you just kick it.
6. The full forward has his son and nephew in the corners.
7. The nephew is two years older.
8. For a 2.30 throw-in, you start packing your gearbag at 2.40 and still manage to be on the field before the referee even arrives.
9. You can get a match called off because your star player is playing for the County under-16's the following week.
10. Your tight marking corner back never gives an inch - except, of course, when the ball gets inside his own 50 and he charges out after it with all the other backs, forgetting that the other team are even on the field.
11. Your goalie lets in a sitter every second game - this usually happens after you have scored 5 points from play to reel in a difficult half-time deficit.
12. Or in the first minute if it is a final.
13. Your full-forward (nickname - Bomber) can't score but "he's a good man to bust up the play".
14. Your centre forward can't score either but "he'll stop a good man from playing".
15. Your championship is either a round robin that requires you to play six league games to eliminate one team, or a knockout starting in October.
16. Your no 8 can't catch the ball and is only there because he is the tallest lad in the parish.
17. Any members of your panel who claim to have back injuries are either lazy or completely daft. Unless you can see blood, bruises or bandages, they are making it up.
18. Before every match, the forwards are told to stay wide and not bunch - but this is not what happens. The only time any forward goes wide is if they are looking for water.
19. Your backs play from behind punching with one hand while resting the other on the forward's back - this is why all your scores and all their scores come from frees.
20. A pint after Mass is the usual warm up for a game.
21. You can't field a team during the June because of the Leaving Cert.
22. Your left corner back plays at No. 4 because he is one of only two people who can kick with their left foot.
23. The other one is his nephew.
24. After every away match you can't wait till next year "to get them bastards down to our pitch and give them a kickin'"
25. And finally your star player always has one other brother "that was even better than him but he couldn't stay off the drink".

GAA Jokes

Loyal Gaa Supporter...

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in South Roscommon and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Roscommon fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Roscommon fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Roscommon fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Roscommon fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Cork fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Cork fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from Cork, and my mum is a Cork fan and my dad is a Cork fan, so I'm a Cork fan too!"

" Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cork fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Armagh fan."

The Memory Man....

An Irishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar
in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied
an old Indian sitting in the corner with his tribal gear on, long
white plaits, and an incredibly wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" said the Paddy.

"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything. He
can remember any fact. Go on, try him out."

So the Irishman goes over, and thinking that he won't know anything
about hurling, asks "Who won the 1996 Munster Semi Final played in the
Gaelic Grounds?"

"Limerick," replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Clare," was the reply.
"And the score?"
"15 points to 1-13."
"Who scored the winning point?"
"CiarÃ¡n Carey," was the old man's reply.

The Irishman was knocked out by this and, when he returned home, Told
all his friends and relatives about the amazing Memory Man.

Five years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the
Impressive Memory Man again. Eventually he found the bar and there,
sitting in the same seat, was the Indian, looking older and even more
wrinkled.

The Irishman was delighted to see him, and, deciding to greet the
Indian in his native tongue, approached him with the greeting "How".

"Solo-run out of the half back line." replied the Memory Man.

Build your own parish team

Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.

Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage.

Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.

Full back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

Left corner back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end.

An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.

Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".

Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.

Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club.

About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.

midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.

midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something.

Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in national school".

Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I.

in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.

Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's only source of points.

Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly.

Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.

Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "he's a good man to bust up the play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter.

Famous Micheal O Muircheartaigh Quotes

"... and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I'll tell ye a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a newsstand and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?' To which, the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?'... he had both...so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet..."

"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down - his people are undertakers".

"I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner Street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal. So much for religion".

"Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery".

"1-5 to 0-8..well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language".

"Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now ... but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail ...... I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!"

"I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork Sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae".

"Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy".

"Danny "The Yank" Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn't he done well".

"He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50......he's on the 40......he's on the 30....... he's on the ground".

"In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball".

"He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've been a point.............it went wide".

"Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of 12......all but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's at home minding the house.....and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce...."

"Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide..... and the dog lost as well".

"Sean Og o Hailpin.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold".

"Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation".

GAA Talk and How To Speak It!

Ever been in a crowd at a GAA match and not understood what the hell anyone else was going on about?. ..

Mighty - very good
Hames - a right !#$@e - eg."he made a hames of that clearance"
Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent
Welt - swing at
Lamp - a good thump
A Crowd - eg. "that crowd from Cavan are a right shower of !#$@es"
Schkelp - a good thump
Bullin' - angry. eg. "the centre half back was bullin' after I lamped him"
Bull thick - very angry
Joult - a push
Joshel - a shoulder push
The Comm-it-eeee - Local GAA bull!#$@ters in general
Bushted - eg. "Jayz me arm is bushted"
The Bomber - a very popular nickname for a GAA player
A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Clones.
Citeog - he hit it with his citeog. ie. left handed/footed
Warp - hit something hard as in "I'll f*ckin' warp you"
Blast - A great amount of anything.
Rake - Also a great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness
A Shamozzle - a group of players shkelpin' one another but not exactly hittin' anyone at the same time!
Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game..... eg. "Jayz Gareth Curran Gave John Ryan an awful flakin' below in Halton on Sunday".
(To "flake"a lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned "joshellin'" and "joultin'" and develops into a bit of "weltin'" and may even result in a good "lampin'" for the victim especially if he gets"bull thick".)
Namajaysus - What was that for, referee?
Ya-bollix-ya - Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent
Leh-it-in-ta-!#$@-would-ya - Full forward's appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass
Mullocker - untidy or awkward players
Horsed - bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in we horsed them out of it. Sometimes referred to as kicking/batin' the !#$@ out of the opposing team.
Horse - untidy or rough player. There's one in every club
Burst the !#$@ - Common exhortation also referred to as the Turlough' roar.
Row - Fight involving four or more players swinging hurls like lunatics
Massive Row - Row involving both team,substitutes and supporters jumping fences
Running Row - A massive row that continues out in the parking area and or dressing room areas.
BÃ¡ta - eg "I gave it bÃ¡ta" - I put a fair bit of effort into it
Stomached - surprisedeg. "Jaysus when he came up behind me I was awful stomached"
Bollix - Pat Spillane

GAA in a Global Context

Knowing that the political situation can be a little confusing, here is the quick guide to some GAA counties in more global terms.

USA = Kerry - Utterly arrogant and motivated by greed. If they suffer the slightest injustice the whole world hears about it. Leader sees himself as bit of a visionary, most see him as bit of a tyrant.

Al Qaeda = Meath - Thugs who like to take out opponents behind the play. Capable of upsetting just about anyone. Leader is a paranoid nutter.

United Kingdom = Galway - Only now moving forward having been stuck in the past for decades. Have a leader who loves the sound of his own voice, full of rhetoric whilst ducking the important issues.

France = Sligo - Perennial bridesmaids. Have a huge armoury but heavily criticised in the past for misfiring. More likely to bore you to death than to be a real threat to anyone.

Pakistan = Kildare - Trying hard to be one of the big boys, but has upset a large percentage of it's supporter base through its over involvement with foreigners. Could soon experience a revolt within its own ranks.

India = Down - A sleeping giant, not a contender at the moment but with a huge supporter base. Likes to think it's opinion is worth plenty, yet is largely ignored by non-fans. Local derbies can be a bit fiery.

The Northern Alliance = Laois - An undisciplined rabble in need of sponsorship dollars.

Israel = Dublin - Rabid supporters tucked away everywhere and usually only become vocal when they start winning. See themselves as the chosen but in reality suffer from an over inflated sense of self. Local transport can be a bit dodgy.

Palestine = Westmeath - A team currently going places, had been on the periphery for many years before the late 90s. Not regarded as a big contender but has a strong and explosive youth policy.

Japan = Roscommon - No attack, last campaign of any note 1942. Big player in the 1970s and 1980s, however struggling a bit these days.

Iraq = Limerick - Serious hardarses and strongminded who could be on the way back. Opponents refer to see them out of the Championship. Most of their neighbours hate them, they know it, and they don't care.

Russia = Cavan - Once a great superpower, recently in decay. Have chosen some real muppets as leaders.

Uzbekistan = Derry - Stuck in the middle. Has a bit of an ars*h*le as manager but light on ammunition.

Germany = Offaly - Tendency to self destruct. A strong history but off the scene of late. Unfortunate uniforms.

Australia = Leitrim - Completely harmless. Not a contender. Just in it to make up the numbers. Supporters are loyal but regularly embarrassed.

Egypt = Donegal - Had a crack at dominance and though the remnants are still there they hark back to the glory days. A bit over defensive and vulnerable up the middle.

* Please note that no country can be associated with Armagh. The closest thing was Yemen but apparently even certain parts of war torn Aden are bordering on pleasant